Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
