I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
