I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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