I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
