I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
