i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
