i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
