he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I need moral support for this bender
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
