i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
