I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
