now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
