all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
