we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
