So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
