you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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