I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
