my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
