fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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