Your mouth is God's brothel.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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