Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize