This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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