i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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