FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
