Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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