you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
