My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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