definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
