I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
