I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Randomize
