"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
