You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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