dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
