Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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