we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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