At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
