its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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