But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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