You just made me feel so damn special
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
