and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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