You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
