I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
