a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
