Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Randomize
