if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
