i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
