we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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