In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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