she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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