i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I want to fling myself into the sun
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
