I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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