i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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