just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
