Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
