I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
