Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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