so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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