My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
