I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
