theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
