I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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